If premier league clubs were people you went school with then and now.

Arsenal

He was the person in school who had lines cut into his hair and had enough gel in it to hold up half of manhattan, would probably say "init", now he works for a phone company or something techy, and post pictures on facebook of his Honda Civic, which he thinks is amazing but everyone else thinks is weak.

Bournemouth

This guy doesn't really use facebook much, his profile picture is 5 years old from when he did DoE, thinks he is above it, at school he would have been the person who had the same hair cut from year 1 to sixth form, now he works for the local council and wears a fleece to every occasion.

Aston Villa

In school he was pretty popular would always tell you about the exotic European holidays he use to go on, but doesn't go anymore, he doesn't like traveling to Europe anymore, never said why though, now he is on his 5th marriage, and his kids don't really speak to him anymore they went on to bigger and better things. Current wife is some cockney landlady from the Red Lion.

Chelsea

In school he was middle of the road popular. Probably good at athletics in one of the minor ones like hurdles, never really had good grades, always asked for money. But now he lives like a king and has many beautiful girlfriends, lives a private life, nobody's quite sure where he got his money from though.

Crystal Palace

Wanted to join dads business in construction, did join his dads business in construction, has tattoos on his arms and wears lots of lyle and scotts shirts, probably owns a pitbull called Steve, everyone says "He is a nice guy once you get to know him".

Everton

In school everyone liked him, never really mixed with the big boys, but would always be at a house party drinking one warm can of stella he nicked from his loving parents, now he has a nice family 2 kids and is an accountant for greggs, lives in same town he was born. Probably drives a citroen.

Leicester

The kid who had to drive in from a another town for some reason, no one knows why he picked your school. But would always have the strange lunch box like brie and crisp sandwiches. Now he is cabin crew and meets famous people at 40,000 feet but still lives at home.(Not gonna lie mind went blank on this one)

Liverpool

In school he would always tell you how amazing his older brothers were and all the amazing things they use to do. Would often break out with "lets go fucking mental na na na naaa" on nights out, after one WKD and a cherry sours. Now he posts on facebook about his new business ideas that he gets really excited about but will ultimately fail due to his drinking problem.

Manchester city

He was the poor kid in school who would have the same blazer all the way through school, had shit packets of crisps. But now he has won the euromillions and won't stop until he has bought everything he has ever wanted. Hasn't quite grasped the idea of being rich yet, turns up to Claridge's in trackies and asks for full english and a carling. Will buy a goodmans tv still.

Manchester United

Most popular kid in school, annoyingly good at everything, and he really didn't look like he was trying. You secretly hated him but really you were just jealous, in adult life he was even more annoyingly good at everything. Great job, great car, great life. Until his dad died and got made redundant in the recession. Had to sell everything and wasted the little money he did have in his dads mates business in Dumfries which failed. But now he is getting back to his old self.

Newcastle United

On the playground he would bang goals in for fun, after school he would constantly be playing football on the estate, but never made the school team because he spent too much time behind the bike sheds if you know what I mean. He got a southern girl pregnant on a lads holiday to Zante, they live together at his mam's house, constantly fighting over facebook, as she keeps selling his playstation games, but they always make up after she buys him a new top, she love juicy couture.

Norwich

Was the farm kid at school, you would always be amazed at how early he got up for school, always smelt of cows, his family name would likely be on the milk carton you had on your weetos. Would always have a yearly bonfire party that you would have to trek to in the middle of no where. After the farm faltered from foot and mouth, he took over and opened up a profitable farm shop which sells great food, one of his jams even came 3rd in a nationwide competition.

Southampton

In primary school he was really smart and was always winning the sack race on sports day, but his family moved to America after his dad got a job at bebo, after that failed they moved back to the uk, in adult life Southampton is an bespoke bench maker who make a killing selling to rich wannabes.

Stoke City 

Stoke was the fat kid who would always bully you for your lunch money and give you a dead leg if you don't comply, captain of the rugby team, lived on the council estate, would always be in detention for throwing people bags across the play ground. After school everyone wanted to forget about him, until a picture on Facebook showed how he had lost loads of weight and become a priest in Spain, but he is still branded with his disruptive past.

Sunderland

He wore gola trainers for P.E, now has a goatee and wears a trilby, hates having to live next to newcastle and plays rock music really loud, you never see him at work but some how always has money for fags. Drinks ale coz larger is to common

Swansea

Always organised at school, when you went round his house to play fifa his room would be spotless and he would get annoyed if you didn't wrap controllers up the right way before you left. After he left school he joined the Army and became a great team player, lives in a different country and everyone says how brave he is for being in the army, even though he fixes the computers.

Tottenham

He would be the one who was always chasing the girls, because he hit puberty first, he fell in love with the exchange student for a while, in sixth form most people had out pubertied him, so he was just another student, everyone kinda liked him though. Except the arsenal lad, but everyone thought those two would "come out" together sooner or later. He works as a middle manager for an insurance company, can never keep a girlfriend for more than a year.

Watford

Tells everyone he was born in london. Had a surname supply teachers could never say. Awful dress sense, but thinks he is cool because he got his clothes on holiday, would drink orangina instead of coke. He became famous because of a one hit wonder, but is now trying to bring back his career on italian big brother. Liked a bit of the old charlie.

West Brom Albion

Would always get A for effort but never really succeeded, everyone knew he was a train spotter but he didn't want anyone to know. Would be the one who was always awkwardly early for house parties, always the but of jokes. After school he tried bulking up but never really got anywhere, he is a manager at a bookies, says cheeky nandos to much.

West Ham

Would always be up for a scrap, use to draw dicks on everything, really good at wood work. Found his niche working for a destruction company, you will always find him down the local tell you how he was on the books a local club. Even though he pretends to be a hard geeza he has a soft spot for the theatre. Just posted a picture of his new house, claims it was a "bargain".

Revaolution with the an A

Intelligence has always been something I have found interesting, how intelligence manifests itself in different people, hot some perceive themselves to be of the highest order and others who take humility in the fact that they are a tad slow.

After watching a film where the main character takes a pill and it instantly makes himself 300% more intelligent, his ability to see the world changes, it got me thinking, would the world benefit if we all had IQ's in the 200's.

Im not going to beat around the bush here i consider myself intelligent, and I have spent most of my adult life trying to prove this fact to many people, friends, family and former employers. But because I technically don't have any certificates of education I have nothing to back up this claim. Hence why I'm at Uni in my mid twenties writing a blog at 2 am.

I find writing the most frustrating thing in my life, before I write anything I believe I'm going to change the world and realise two paragraphs in, I can't spell a word vital that my inner monologue is screaming, which gets me down ,and often in my texts I miss spell the most obvious words and people react in the same way of laughing with me, "oh thats just dyslexia", but they will instantly shut off and not focus about what the text is about.

I have never taken a formal IQ test, I would love to take one. I have taken many online ones which claim to be formal and have constantly got in the 130's area, which someone told was good, whilst also being shocked that the person who got 130 IQ  struggled to spell "yesterday", could have this intelligence.

In fact when I was in college failing my A-levels, I took high level dyslexia tests to see if I was really selectively stupid and not just idle. The results of the test was that it was idleness mixed with dyslexia, but I put the idleness down to being a 17 year old. But one result I found was that my ability of spacely reasoning where i was in the top 2 percentile which felt like a minor victory, because lets be honest what is that good for? tetris?

Since starting Uni I have noticed my intelligence in the area of academia increase tenfold! I have read more literature than I have ever read before, I could give you a detailed breakdown of the role of religion in Iran, I can de-construct and newspaper article into four elements, tell you the confines of the European Union,  and even how to get your self elected president. Even with all that evidence people will consider me stupid because I used the wrong affect/effect.

This may not make any sense to you, maybe that is the point I am trying to get across, maybe that in my head I see myself as the most intelligent person, I know I get angry at truly stupid people, but don't we all? Is being intelligent a good thing, it can make you depressed when you know that you should not fell down but you still do. I suppose this is a rant at the tiny problems in my life, I mean in the grand scheme of things is worrying about if people perceive you are an intellectual truly important, I'm sure the people going hungry today don't care.

I don't really know how to finish this it seems to have turned more into a rant than it has a declaration of my intent to change the social order, but lets be honest that was never going to happen. Being Dyslexic is in no way as bad as some social problems people face but still it can effect (no idea if that's the right e/affect) peoples lives. If you have got this far and can still understand me I ask that you take a step back from the screen and listen to your inner monologue and see what ideas you know, think how you could change the world, for the better, we don't want anymore Hilters. Try and remember all the things you have learned over the years and that every piece of knowledge that you have gained is never useless! Now try and think how you would express that information would you write it? Draw it? speak it? Everyone has different ways of expressing their intelligence, I just hope that its soon socially acceptable to doing something other than mundane writing!



P.S I understand that I wrote this and it might be slightly hypocritical.

Im back

A new term is upon us here at Uni, which means that this blog is no longer just for credits. But I must admit I have enjoyed writing and I seem to get a good steady stream of readers, viewers, surfers, I don't know the correct term. So with this desire to please my tens of readers I will carry on in the same way as before talking bollocks for 200 words.

Getting back to uni has been harder this term than previous ones, with the Wifi in my room not working and IT working at a snails pace to fix it, which means I have to read textbooks, to stay entertained. The other main problem is that the idiots at student finance are so inept at doing their jobs I still yet to have received my maintenance loan, which means I am effectually living on a free food diet. Which means you go to as many events where there is free food.

If any left wing marxist/Communist really wants to see how wrong nationalising everything would be, just call Student finance and get a straight answer out of them that isn't hidden behind a wall of lethargic scottish call centre staff who have about as much urgency as glacier.

They have reassured me that I will be payed this week so I will be able to buy food soon which is nice. 

Its the general election coming up which means the papers are full of campaign headlines. There is no denying it, I am against Labour, Greens, UKIP and most of all the SNP. Which is stupid because I'm not Scottish but I think they're a party of xenophobic whiney bitches. But all the parties say they are the best for the "Working Britain", which is the most vague thing ever!

In future posts I will try and highlight some areas of a manifesto which I either agree with or disagree with, next one will be Labours tax on aspiration.

  

University life pt 2

Going to university when you are not 18 is not a new thing, many people do it. But still going to Uni when you are over 21 is a strange feeling.

I got into Uni on the back of strong work experience, I also knew that this was my last real chance of getting a degree. Because let’s be honest in today's world where everyone has a degree the job market is saturated by people a lot younger than myself with the same degree. I will be 25 when I graduate which scares the living crap out of me! I will have to go back to the land of the working and responsibility.

So what is it like being a slightly mature student? I would say the most notable difference between me and my ever so slightly younger students is that I want to make the most of my two years of zero responsibility. I mean I only have two years were I can get completely gazeboed on a Monday night and not have to worry about getting up early. 

I have been in the world of 9 to 5 and it sucks so so much! I tell my friends that they should make the most of the student times because you will never be able to binge watch breaking bad on a Wednesday again! By all mean you have to study, you really need to study because as I said before there is a saturated job market out there and you need to stand out.

Which also leads me on to my other point. GET INVOLVED! There is no point sitting in you room complaining about how rubbish the university is, or that you don't feel welcome. A students union is only as good as you make it, you will no longer be handheld into having fun. You need to just take the jump organize stuff on your own. Don't wait for other to tell you what to do.

I understand that some people are introvert and extrovert so have different opinions on what is fun. I'm telling you someone else will have the same idea, so start a society or join one. Like I said before get involved.

Id like to think that my willingness to get involved as come from working in an environment where if I didn't complete a job I found daunting done, I would be fired. Which has spurred me into starting societies, join clubs, making many great new friends. I see people at this university who are scarred that if they go out at least once a week they will fail, well I go out most nights and along with many of my friends and we are all in the 1st 2:1 bracket. I can imagine this will change in the coming terms. 

It is about mixing work and play equally. I treat Uni as a 11-7 job, so from 11-7 it is about studying and extracurricular activities, then after that I do the stereotypical student stuff. If you go to my Uni and are still in pre-lims try this aspect of life next term and I guarantee have a better experience than this term!

University life pt 1

I must apologise for my lack of content over the last couple of days, life has been hectic to say the least. People often think being a student is all about getting pissed and fornicating, but at Buckingham it is different. But that stuff still does happen.

I can imagine seeing my brother roll his eyes at the thought of me saying that, being a student is hard. I would have done the same thing seven months ago.
You see I was working a 9-5 job as a logistics manager before I came to Buckingham. I paid my taxes, I had business cards, I went on business trips to Dublin, from the outside it looked good, and to many people it was a good job. I never earn't as much as I liked but I earn't enough at one stage to rent a house and drive a nice car. 

But I was never happy, I knew that my life was not destined for this lifestyle, So I thought I'm going back to Uni. I had heard that at some universities you could do 2 year degrees, then found this place, got a place pretty quickly due to work experience. Left work at end of July and went to see my American brother for 6 weeks.

I believe this to be the best decision of my life, but I regret saying students have it easy. Only 10 weeks into my first term I was taking exams at a level I had never done before, I was having to read 10x the amount of books I had ever read before. Living on an income drastically lower than I was use to.

The whole concept of university is stupid in my eyes you are basically paying a couple thousand pounds a year for a Library pass and a small room which in any other profession would be classed and inhumane living standards. But I must jump through the hoops if I want to get the job of my dreams, but lets be honest University does not prove how intelligent you are just how good you are at taking exams.

Tomorrows blog will be on the social aspect of uni, and what it is like going to university as a "mature student".

  

Any colour but white!

I thought I would take a break from writing up essays to talk about Cars. Which at this point a lot of people will go to sleep. But for me cars are something of a hobby, I don't really know how they work and my level or automotive excellence is at the level where I can change a tyre and fill up my washer bottle.

Which lets be honest is the level to which most people are up to. But I still love them, I mean before I was a student I would happily pay 60% of my pay check on my car in some way or another. My current car is an Fiesta ST-2 which according to Top Gear means I should be Prime Minister.

I can wait till I am over 25 and the cost of insurance is something I never have to worry about, and picking cars becomes much more simple. I do find it funny why people pick the cars they drive, the obvious reason is finace, I mean not every one can go around in a BMW M3 but why would you buy a Suzuki Alto, when you can buy a cent second hand golf. 

Can manufactures have taken the fun out of cars, there are a few exceptions, but most cars are just built for people who own fleeces. For instance you want a buy a Seat Leon, a fun car based on a golf, you would think that it comes with a nice meaty engine that is made for the mountain roads of Spain (my geography of Spain is a little crap), but the base engine is a 1.2 petrol which is as about as powerful as the Green Party.

No one cares what they are driving anymore because cost has become the main driving force is deciding what car you get, I want a car which will sound amazing, give you butterflys every time you press the throttle. I want cars to be greener, I want them to be safer. But I should not have to give up the great thrill of driving. Companies like Tesla are doing that but companies like Nissan who created the Leaf are cheating and taking the fun out of driving.

Anyway back to the theocracy of Iran.    

Never again!

I have been thinking about how I should write this blog, for most of the morning, whilst I celebrated Holi Day, which if you are blonde wear a hat, after a 20 minute shower my hair is still pink. But last night was well interesting to say the least.

The best way to start this story is to start with the ending, last night ended with me in the back of an Ambulance telling the lovely paramedics that I'm not pregnant.

It started out like a normal night out does, we go to the cellers (uni common area) play pool have pre-drinks and have a good time, we then wonder to a friends house do the same then off to the students union, my Girlfriend was working behind the bar last night so it was just me and the Gents ( we thought "lads" was to chavy), I cant even remember drinking that much, but as the night came to a close I collapsed on the bar Sofa, being the most drunk I have ever been! 

When I got back to my room, the GF tried to put me to bed but my stomach had different ideas, it rejected the alcohol, so vomiting started. You may be thinking this isnt interesting everyone vomits, but well it gets more interesting now.

I start getting intense pain in my abdominal area, I thought it was wind so I go sit on loo for a while, but the pain got worse and worse until the GF had to call NHS Direct. Now sober me would have been responsive and helpful, but drunk Dan thought his appendix was exploding or had ruptured his stomach, and was screeming at the top of his lungs to call an ambulance.

We went to the security hut because thats where the GF told Ambulance to go, once stepping into secrurity hut my first words were "IM IN SO MUCH PAIN BUT, FUCK ME IT SMELLS AMAZING IN HERE", which it did it smelt of Watermelon, I feel sorry for the poor security guard he was doing the nightshift and a drunk student barges in, screaming.

Then the ambulance came, and well I thought I was going to be carted of to A&E and be under the knife in a matter or hours. I was wrong, I had heart burn basically. A mixture of spicyfood, to much booze and medication, had caused my stomach to hate me, I was given two paracetamol and told to take Rennies, and guess what the pain disappeared.

So thats how I probably woke up the entire block and wasted NHS time and money for Heartburn, Sorry Mum.   

If you want a better telling of the story ask my Girlfriend as she can remember all of it and all the funny things I said.