Its not the end of the world, but it feels like it.

I write this whilst drinking my last beer. Don't worry you don't need to call the suicide hotline, and I'm not admitting I'm an alcoholic. The beer in question is a Corona, which is a wimps drink, but it was only the beer in my parents fridge. 

Anyone who knows me will know that beer is my most favourite drink on this earth! I mean there is no questioning how amazing it is, how much diversity you can have from four ingredients boogles the mind.

But no, the reason why it is my last beer (for the foreseeable future), is because I am tired of being flabby. If my Mum was reading this she would instantly say "you're not fat". Which I know I'm not, I'm not on the John Prescott scale of fatness, but I'm just not in great shape.

I'm going to spare you the details because, well, I still find it embarrassing, but put it this way, if you have ever see Seth Rogan topless, well that is similar.

In January 2012, I was at my highest physical fitness, and yet I still failed to get into the RAF on fitness grounds, which has always haunted me in someway, but I know that my life has turned out much better than it would have been if I boshed out the extra pushup I needed to get in. 

Thats when my life started to go down hill, but well I'm not going to tell you fuckers about that. I always thought, working out, whats the point? In September 2013 I was in a head on car crash that fucked up my right knee until recently. Thats when the weight really started tumbling out of control.

So as I take my last sip of beer what is the future? What shall it be? Should I aim for the London Marathon, should I aim for cycling John O'Groats to Lands' end? Well no, because those are fucking boring. I did a Tough Mudder in October 2013 which wasn't bright after my accident but I hobbled over the line. Well there is one in September and this time I'm going to run over the finish line.     

The struggle is real

I have come to the conclusion that having an Android is like being a vegetarian, here is why;

1) You feel much superior than everyone else, you have bought a phone which is cheaper than an Iphone and has just as many, if not more. 

2) Like being a vegetarian you are nuisance to your friends. Just as if they invite you to a BBQ, and have to get you a bean burger. Because you don't have IMessage, your friends have to either WhatsApp, Viber, Hangouts, Facebook Messenger, or if your still in 2005 BBM.

3) Like when you go to a restaurant, there is normally only one Vegetarian meal on the menu, the same is when you are trying to find a docking station, or case, but with Iphone you have more than enough choice.

4)Everyone will look at you and wonder how can you live with out meat, is the same as when your friends use your android whilst you are driving and they complain about buttons being in different in different places.

Im sure if you are an android user you have your own problems with Iphone users, and our constant trouble of overcoming adversity, the pain is real!    

Freedom to Jack

So its essay season here at University, So I best make todays blog short, as an essay on the political Ideology of Iran awaits my attention.

After watching the parliament programme on the BBC yesterday, the hoisting of the Winter flag (smaller version of the Union Jack) got me thinking.

Why is it that in a country as old as ours does the Union Jack cause so much offence. If we think just about the union as a whole and not the individual kingdoms the Flag is mainly seen by most as a sign of Right-wing racist parties such as BNP or the National Front.

As I have said before I am a very patriotic person, but feel that if I had a Union Jack flaying from my window people would think that I am exceptionally right winged.Which is sad! 

This is due to political parties trying to tap into the idea of patriotism and saying they are true to their countries ideals.

So what I suggest is this and If I had the time I would truly start a campaign to see this instigated. That no political party or political action group may use a nationalities flag (eg Union Jack, St'Georges Cross, The Saltire etc) in any of their logos, advertising or events. This means that the flag becomes a neutral symbol. That will only represent the nation and not a set of political ideas.

Lets stop this type of thing happening!

Oh Captain, My Captain

It has been 6 months since the death of one of my favourite actors of all time. I was reminded of his passing after watching the oscars and seeing his name pop up at the memories section.
You can probably guess who I am on about, Robin Williams. Probably the first film I saw him in, well technically heard was Aladdin. He made that movie, I didn't know it back then but that blue genie was a genius.

As I grew older I watched more of his films, a lot of them were duds, for example flubber, but to his credit he always gave a good performance. I would say it wasn't until I reached my 20's that I truly started to enjoy his more serious work. Good Will Hunting is possibly one of my favourite films, and he is magnificent in it, the scene when him and Matt Damon are sitting on the bench is moving to say the least. 

In the dead poets society one of his lines has helped me write, has taught me that what I write can change the world, but tbh only 40 people read my last post so I doubt it. But the line I remember so vividly is:

  
Away from the seriousness he is an incredibly funny comedian, who's improv and enthusiasm is un matched. Watching him do improv is a feet into its self. You feel tired after watching him, which makes you wonder how he does it! Good morning Vietnam is a classic example of his fast passed humour. His brain does not switch off.

His brain not switching off is probably the reason for his problems through out his life, he was a manic depressive as are many comedians, he was a drug addict which charlie being his crux, which probably shows how he can be so enthusiastic.     

Depression is an illness which affects many peoples lives, many people have suffered it in some form at some point in their lives. I know I have, and it still affects me, to quote a film I saw recently depression is like a dark cloud that fogs your brains so you can't see anything else. Never suffer in silence, talking is the key! 

To mention the great things Robin Williams did in his life I would be here for a while, but I hope you have been affected in a positive way by the great man, enjoy some of his best bits.

ITS SPITTING

So today I took my American friend on a tour of London. He had never really been to London before so he was excited, and I like giving tours of London because there is just so many things to see, plus it makes me feel important.

So going to London can be stressful at the best of times if you are doing touristy shit, but I checked the weather report last night and it was for rain, I thought brilliant there will less people there, which was true it was quieter than a Saturday, and we both had waterproofs on so happy days.

Although it was grey it wasn't raining so happy days, when we got round to Buckingham Palace is started spitting. This is when the worst thing in London happens after a tube strike, Umbrellas came out! 

These flimsy pieces of shit are the most annoying and dam right unsafe things that litter London's pavements. Being 6ft I am at perfect height for the pointy ends to go straight in my eye, so I have to avoid them like trying to avoid an overconfident waiter take out 20 plates at once.

Many times I had to step into traffic or duck out of the way looking like a dick, or move walk into things because these things block all view on a pavement. People with Umbrellas are also just crap a walking with them, they are often short women who pull them so close to their face they cant see where they are going, who walk slower than a glacier and because they are often in a gaggle you can't pass them, so when they stop to take a selfie with a phonebox you ram right into them. 

Words really cant describe how much I hate umbrellas in busy cities, which is kinda against the point when writing a blog. But they should be banned. Next time I go London I'm gonna wear a cricket helmet and just walk around bashing people flimsy pocket umbrellas out of their hands. If you use a golf umbrella there is a special place in hell for you! Get a rain coat!

Warning this contains words

This post will be more of a rant than anything else, I have long gone with the idea of, you cant argue with stupid people. Stupid people can not be reasoned with, they can't listen to reason. They are the type of people for which ladder training was invented for.

Most people who know me well will know that if I think someone is being stupid, I have a very hard problem of hiding my distaste in peoples stupidity.

I grew up near the church where Charles Darwin got married, I feel that the rule of natural selection should be used now more than ever to keep tabs on our ever increasing population.

In developed countries like ours we have education systems which many lesser states strive to achieve. So maybe the problem of a ever increasing stupid gene pool would be to get rid of all stupid warning signs which litter our lives. Allows natural selection to truly take hold. 

Do you really need a sign on a pack of peanuts saying "warning may contain nuts"?. Which fuck up thought "you know I have a nut allergy, but I'm almost certain that peanuts aren't nuts".

Or warning signs on films, who watches a film with the name saw and thinks its going to be about sodding puppies. How about before parents have ago at game developers about awful games corrupting their beautiful children's minds, they, you know not let their 11 year old play on a game with an 18 sticker, but that's a rant for another time.

Signs that say hot tap, when its above a hot tap? Or signs that read risk of drowning next to a fucking river! This would get rid of the Jeremy Kyle generation of fuck ups quite quickly, and it would all be their own fault.

OH THE HUMANITY

I have come to the conclusion that first world problems are awful, little things that just make living in a safe world just awful.

I should probably put a disclaimer at the start, but I'm not going to as I hope you realise this is humour.

• My first one is when you have fancy bread which looks really nice, and is described the best bread for toasting, but its to big for the toaster and you have accurately rotate the bread around, and no matter how hard you try it will always be burnt on one side.
• Going for a poo and forgetting your phone, or a magazine and you end up reading the in and air freshener.
• When the only person who likes you whitty Facebook post is your mum.

• Wanting to complain in a restaurant but you don't want to make a scene, so when the waiter/Waitress asks how your food is you go "yea its great thanks" even though it tastes like arse.
• When having to reset the Sky Box and it takes what feels like a life time. 
• The sheer panic you feel when you have to prioritize what stays open on your phone when your battery is at 5%, it really is Sophie's choice.
• Wanting to buy a neck pillow in an airport, but you know it will make you look like a dick.

I could list off more but I need the loo and my phone is on 5%